I do.I do love my job.
It is stressful and I constantly am wondering "Am I doing enough? Am I really reaching them? Am I making a difference? Are they learning anything?" Yet, I just spent 5 hours, up until 3 in the morning, planning for my first day. Excited about what great things I can accomplish this year. However, there is always that teetering moment. Within the first day or week, I always feel as if I am standing on the border of "I got this" and "I can't find my own sanity in this mess." That border makes me nervous.
Everyone keeps saying this is going to be a cakewalk for me. "You taught in Baltimore City? Wow, this should be so easy for you."
They are probably..... wrong. Ha. It won't be easier, I don't think. I think I will just get a greater return. I will put the same amount of sweat, tears, and time into it, but maybe I will receive a little more in pay out. Maybe. Oddly enough though, I feel myself missing Digital Harbor HS and my kids there. As crazy as they were and as foreign as living in the rundown parts of the inner city is to me, those kids seem comfortable to me right now. I feel like if I had another room full of Bmore kids, I could handle it, no doubts.
But now I am new.
I hate being new.
It's the worst.
Everyone looks at you more, watches you more, evaluates you more. And they can never give you enough information. You are always just a little lost all the time. A little unsure, ALL the time. You fear testing the waters, mainly because you are barely in past your knees. And when I say "you," I guess I just mean me. I am so backward these days. I really do keep to myself and almost even fear interactions with people I don't know. It's not that I lack confidence, I have just come to loathe searching for conversation material. I want to talk to you when I have something to say. This is why I also have an aversion to the phone.
I am such a weirdo.
Luckily, I like my weird self. I think my kids will like my weirdness as well. At least I hope.
Like the banner I made for my class web page?
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Aw I love it.
ReplyDeleteAnd YOU do have this in the bag, and you just have to remember YOU ARE AMAZING. And its only gonna be new for a short time. Then it will be comfortable.
God wanted you right there. He is blessing you beyond your wildest dreams. Just hold tight! You have more blessings to come, so dream big.
Every time I feel scared and unsure God gives me something so wonderful I think I cannot possibly deserve this.
I look at my life and what he has given me and I know it just can't get better than this. And he is doing that for you too. Just wait.
You got this. I love you.
From one weirdo to the next, you are a weirdo. People would die to be weirdos. Creativity and awesomeness ooze from our skin. :) You get down with your weird self.
Again, I'm here, I love you. I'll call you soon sista.
What grade are you teaching?
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